Some Simple Rules for the Gym

I'm sorry that I (we) haven't posted in a while. There simply hasn't been anything to write about. I'm still in a holding pattern. The last contact I had with my recruiter, Sgt. Steve, was Monday, when he told me that MEPS was finally (almost) done with my package and I should be expecting to get word for a Phys. soon, possibly by the end of the week. Since, I haven't heard anything. And as a long holiday break comes down the line here, I'm sure things are going to slow up tenfold.

But in lieu of that, I'm writing this as I'm just coming back from the local gym. So this post will be about the gym.

I hate our gym, let me start with that. It's not a gym in the conventional sense, it's more like a community center. It's part retirement home, day care, sports rehab center, and high school kid hang out. There's probably only a handful of people that take their time at this gym seriously, aside from my wife and I.

The following is from a paper I recently wrote for a class I'm taking in Ancient World History, about the Greek Aesthetic:

The Greeks not only believed in perfect art and development of the mind, but of the body as well. From them, we get Gymnasium, or as we call it today, simply “the gym,” which is technically an open area where athletes and scholars would gather to train themselves, usually in the nude. This was called “gymnos,” and was designed not only as a tribute to the beauty of the human body, but as sign of respect to the gods.

The athletes in particular would train for a collection of competitive sports, held in the city-state Olympia, called “The Olympics.” ... Only the very best athletes were invited to attend and compete in events such as boxing, running races and tests of strength, hunting and warfare prowess. One such game involved a hundred meter sprint in full battle armor.

By today’s standards, we no longer hold on to this athletic ideal. We run races in air-weight shoes, flimsy track shorts and jerseys. We no longer throw a javelin made of wood and bronze, but a carbon-fiber stick. Our athletes suck down protein-infused energy drinks and rig themselves up with GPS-tracking heart rate monitors just to jog around the neighborhood. The people of 2010 are soft, in comparison.

They do not go to a gym to appease anyone but themselves, and maybe their (potential) mate. A gym today is a loud, cramped, disgusting series of rooms populated with blaring television sets, cushioned benches and sweating housewives. So unfit is today’s gymnasium, a Roman wouldn’t dare be caught vomiting in it.

Real talk.

So the following is a list of complaints I have with my gym. Yes, this is bitching. Yes, this is filler. But you know what? You're already here, so fucking read it.

-First, the following will be prohibited from the locker room: discussions of religion, politics, or economics, especially if those partaking in the conversation have no clue what they're talking about, only regurgitating what they heard on Fox News. Also prohibited: unattended children, eye contact amongst men, and loud cell phone conversations.

-If your high school uses the gym for some sort of athletic purpose (for instance, your swim team uses the pool) this is cool. Just please be respectful of the other patrons. It is a public gym after all. Please don't run around like a goddamn fool.

-If you're an elderly person and you're spending an hour slowly pedaling a stationary bike and someone else changes the tv channel on you, and it's not the tv set directly in front of you, and you complain, be prepared to get kicked in the stomach. It's a gym, not your living room.

-I'm not your grandson. My wife does not remind you of your wife when you were first married. Even if she does, I don't care. Don't tell me.

-Pee in the pool, I'll track you down, break into your house in the middle of the night, and pee on your pillow. While you're sleeping on it. Test me.

-And AS IF! I don't know you peed in the pool! "Suddenly" there's a warm cloud of murky water in my lane and you JUST came from there!? Please.

-If someone's wearing ear buds it means they're not open to conversation. Please adhere to this. Second to this, DO NOT attempt to get a stranger's attention by touching them in anyway. If I have my back to you, and I bend down to pick up my water bottle, and you're an old, overweight, effeminate bear of a man, DO NOT caress my back and then ask me questions about my workout gear.

-Don't stare at other patrons. It's rude and I'm not gay. Sorry.

-PLEASE wipe down the equipment after you're done using it. I don't care if you did ONE rep, just wipe it down. It takes two seconds. I see more people using the equipment, getting up and walking away. If everyone wipes down the equipment when they're done using it, I don't have to wipe everything down BEFORE I start using it, as well as after. Help me out here.

-Ask yourself this: If you're not going to take working out seriously, why are you in the gym in the first place? There are plenty of other hang outs around here: bars, clubs, other people's houses. You and your Affliction t-shirt wearing, meathead friends who lounge around on all the benches and equipment, hogging all the space while you have yelling matches amongst yourselves and whomever you're on the phone with, need to cut it the fuck out, and go someplace else. Or I will drop a 45lb plate weight on your faces. Collectively.

Thank you, that is all.